Life With no Regrets

I’m walking out the door, keys in hand, on my way to the airport. Our destination is two weeks of exploring the sunny desert of Baja, Mexico.

An impromptu getaway with a girlfriend the week before delivered me home with nasty cold-like symptoms. But, now, five minutes to leaving for the airport, I wonder if our least favourite virus is making a return visit. “Hey…” I start, turning to Hugh, “do you think I should do a Covid test?”

I watch the familiar purple splotch on the test bar make its way from “T” to “C” and back again. Self-deprecation threatens to erupt. A swarm of dread and negativity circles like a shark at its prey. Blame and shame begin to take hold. It seems - “My guilt is an ocean for me to drown in.” (Nicola Yoon). The familiar pattern rising to ‘remind’ me how selfish… to ruin our dream escape from a long winter in a cold house that forces us to wear extra layers and socks all day.

The timer on my phone counts down the prescribed 15 minutes. Both the “T” and “C” show the dreaded line. It’s painfully obvious - the flight is leaving without us.

It would be so easy to wallow in self-pity, allow guilt to overflow - to lash out at the universe. Well, I do take a swipe at the twisted sense of humour it seems to hold. Is this payback for my selfish actions just one week ago?

Feeling guilty is optional

I never considered, not even for a moment I would return from my week of self-love with Covid. It didn’t cross my mind that I had anything but a cold.

I briefly consider whether to just mask up and go. In a mere moment I know out loud... “I can’t imagine getting on that plane.” It is here, I register - I am free of guilt, free of regret… there is no ‘if only’.

The decision is not one of ‘right’ and ‘wrong’. I offer no judgment for those who would choose to go. For me, it’s a choice to be true to who I am - to put to practice the lessons I continue to learn and share.

Guilt is a self-imposed form of torture. Sure there are things to feel guilty for - being unkind, intentionally causing harm, and the obvious sins of society. BUT… never shall we impose guilt upon ourselves for doing what is right for us. Nor shall we hold guilt over ourselves for eternity.

"Guilt is the worst enemy of true happiness and self-esteem.
It is indeed the worst thing you can ever do to your soul.”
~ Pamela Baron Waldbauer ~

Lessons from the Universe?

The question arises quickly amongst our cancellations efforts. Is there some great insight intended in all of this?

And then I remember…

The note from a dear friend after reading my blog on self-love. She almost canceled her own much-needed time away. Guilt was consuming her. My own account of setting aside the guilt - allowing her to embrace what she knew she needed most.

“I was feeling extremely guilty for wanting/needing to go …
After reading your note I realized this trip is so needed for my self-care.”

There were others. Each offering a peak into her own insights.

“I’ll keep trying to remain open to see all the little miracles open to me every day!”

I am inspired to wipe out the guilt. It starts with acknowledging I have a choice. For if I accept this simple reality, it’s obvious guilt does not belong here. I made a good choice the week prior. Now I make an equally good yet unrelated choice, aligned with how I choose to show up when life takes an unexpected twist.

It might not be simple in practice. At the same time, I’m surprised at how easily I move through the guilt. A sure sign I’m making progress. I am rewiring my brain to welcome this ‘new’ me. The one committed to a practice of guilt-free self-care. The one with a deep desire to not only practice but to show others the possibilities before them.

Living life now

It’s 12 days since that fateful test. Still, I hold no regrets. Okay, I was a little bitter when the temperature hit double-digit negative only 2 days in. Even then, I am able to find solace in my ability to recognize the things I can control and resist the urge to brawl with those not in my control. Perhaps this is the ultimate lesson I am meant to embrace - to let go of my need to be in control.

What curveball has life thrown at you lately? How have you moved through it? What have you learned through the experience?

Among the lessons of this past week, a deepening awareness settles in. I have reached a new summit, the next mountain in my journey of being me. Like any enchanted mountaineer, I seek to stand before the next glorious vista.

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