Why Silence Is No Longer An Option

Photo by Kristina Flour on Unsplash

“Shame loves secrecy. The most dangerous thing to do after a shaming experience is hide or bury our story. When we bury our story, the shame metastasizes.” ~ Brené Brown ~

I grew up believing I was equal — in fact, never questioning it.It never occurred to me I had less options than boys — relegated to ‘girl’ interests. After all, I was the quintessential tomboy, the oldest of three girls, daddy’s little girl who loved to do all the things boys could do.And then… IT happened.Asleep alone in my tent, something, someone groggily pawing — an intrusion into the safety of my cocoon. Awareness slowly dawning. A dream? Not a dream at all.Pajama bottoms at my knees, boozy breath suffocating my senses, “What are you doing?” I whisper. “Your wife” my voice now rising “…next door! Get out!”I remember hissing his name, but time has erased it… the feeling remains.Sleep eludes me. Eventually I rise from my tent, anger seethes, threatening to break free of the confines of my shame. I stalk him patiently… a lioness, waiting for him to be alone, away from the others.The details of our exchange escapes me, my suppression deliberate in fear of ‘making a scene’. My sense of self surrenders to confusion, guilt, shame, disbelief. I feel numb, isolated, changed, somehow different from the woman who signed up at the last minute to pitch for her team.And then the question. The question that quietly starts knocking on my door some twenty years later.Why am I the one feeling shameful and untrustworthy? When did I, a confident, intelligent and successful woman begin to wear the shame of my perpetrator?Our society allows for — even encourages — a segregation of power. This includes influence over women, minorities, essentially anyone outside of the long ago proclaimed ‘norm’.What began as a slow unravelling — an inner battle of beliefs and consummation of truth — was my coming out of sorts. Not front-page news, but very much front-of-mind for me.My relationship with shame has come full circle. In my quest to overcome my own lack of worthiness, I have let go of blame and forgiven myself… and him. I choose to share what until now has been buried deep in a not-so forgotten memory I stored away long ago.

“When perfectionism is driving us, shame is riding shotgun and fear is that annoying backseat driver.”                   ~ Brené Brown ~

My unwrapping of old memories revealed an earlier, long-buried memory. Perhaps a harbinger of things to come?“Donna, it’s time to go!” my girlfriend calls out, reaching down for my hand. I press myself up from the floor, wishing to disappear… wondering how I got from the party to the loft, grateful for the ‘knowing’ of my friend.“Are you sure?” he finally asks, slipping his hand from my shorts.I’m sure.On its own, this moment in time is simply that, a glimpse into teenage hood in the early ‘80’s. There are no scars, no traumas to recover.It is not a burden I carry, but a lesson long in coming… a releasing of truth denied, my heritage as a woman.

Was this my first experience of the marginalization of women society has taught, allowed and profited for eons?

At fifteen I certainly wasn’t considering the source of my silence and my sole purpose was to get far away, hoping no one would whisper when I walked by their locker Monday morning. More than anything, I dreaded the moment I might see him again. I never did.My fear was less about what might happen, overwrought with the notion of being ‘a tease’, ‘a slut’. I innately understood, blame has landed firmly in my hands — not his. This knowing seized my voice, granting power to an invisible belief system formed before my presence on earth.Our need to fit in, to be accepted, to be liked has the power to supersede our personal safety, to protect our emotional well being.In this, my unveiling I acquiesce to Sarah McBride. In her memoir, ‘Tomorrow Will Be Different’, her courage and conviction emblazons me to speak my own truths. Her challenges as a woman trumps mine tenfold… as she faces the ugliness of transphobia while realizing “just how pervasive sexism and misogyny would be.”

“In exploring my own womanhood, it became clear that if I was “too feminine” I was inauthentic, a presumption in even progressive spheres that masculinity is some sort of natural state of being, a preference. But then, if I wasn’t feminine enough, I wasn’t a “real” woman. Television, movies, pop culture, fashion, and politics are all trying to tell us what it means to be a “real” woman.”

Speaking my truth

Here’s where I quiver, shake in the reality of my own past truths. I allowed and accepted the harassment and sexualization of myself and another young woman. Truth be told, I feared for my own career, deceiving myself; I could manage his indiscretions, denying his attention extended beyond myself.My solace lies in my eventual disclosure to a trusted advisor, if only after a beautiful, talented twenty something team member collapsed in tears… revealing her reason for suddenly wanting to resign.Long before the time of mandated workplace policies and investigations, he was quietly dealt with, asked to go away.

“Somehow society manages to treat women like both a delicate infant and a sexualized idol in the same moment. Our thoughts are dismissed and our emotions minimized.” ~ Sarah McBride ~

Silence is no longer an option. Secrecy has become an unwelcome guest. If I stay silent, I stay complicit in the conditioning society has bestowed upon me as a woman and the tragic reality our marginalized brothers and sisters continue to experience.I require no external justice in my own journey. My reverence comes in using my voice, speaking my truth and sharing my ‘shame’ so the power it holds over me and others may dissolve.In admitting my own marginalization as a woman, I confront the cold hard truth that we still have so far to go in creating a world free of hatred, bigotry and unfathomable violence. I no longer hide behind a veil of innocence or denial of the world as it is. Instead, I embrace the world that is becoming because of those who use their voice to change what must be changed.Including my voice.  Hi, I'm Donna and I am deeply passionate about helping people achieve more than they thought possible by unravelling self-sabotage behaviours and creating new practices in order to experience more joy and fulfillment.  It is my life purpose to help you explore just how extraordinary life can be.  I invite you to book a no obligation Discovery Call.