FINDING YOUR VOICE

When was the last time you said "NO".... without feeling guilty or selfish or maybe even consumed with anxiety that you were letting someone down?  Or maybe there was something really important to you that your spouse, loved one or friend didn’t want to do so you didn’t either.  

How many times have you missed out or been face to face with disappointment and in the end it was simply due to not using your voice, not speaking up, not wanting to disappoint, interfere or intrude?A couple of years ago, I came across this quote and it struck me to the core, literally taking my breath away with the realization that I had not been speaking my truth. It's my reminder to speak my truth, to use my voice, to fight for what matters to “me”.  And fight simply means to speak up, say it out loud and fight the urge to cave to someone…...everyone else’s desires.Only a couple of weeks ago, I was vividly reminded, forcibly pushed to find my voice.  My partner and I were on our first world travel together.  We had 2 amazing weeks in Portugal and on this day were sitting in Rome determining which tour we should do to maximize our day in such a remarkable destination.  I realize this may sound absurd and somewhat trivial.... and to the unknowing, so it is.  HERE’S THE THING!  When I finally got up the nerve to share my preference (against what he was suggesting) and my reasoning, there weren’t any FIREWORKS.  There was no conflict or disappointment, all these things conjured up in my mind (and from where?).  So I ask you, how many times have you not spoken your truth, found your voice not only for the grandiose and obvious but the little things like where you want to go for dinner, watch on Netflix, treat yourself…..  I confess, my list is endless. Let me restate that, my list used to be endless and it’s shrinking one “voice” at a time, one courageous leap of intention.  

Here’s what I’ve learned!  

#1 - Be AWARE  

This took much more than my own insights.  Without the love and truth of dear friends, I fear I may still be living that lie, the belief that I spoke up for what I wanted, for what I believed in, for what was important to me.

#2 - Be INTENTIONAL

Seek out every opportunity to PRACTICE finding your voice.  Start with an affirmation…. Build resilience…. Break down the ingrained reflex…. STOP the short circuit and say or do what you want in that moment.  

#3 - Pay ATTENTION

What does your inner voice say?  That visceral reaction to a suggestion or idea, seeking to understand what you truly want.  LISTEN, it's your heart speaking.

#4 - Be KIND

Are you kind to yourself when you fail, when you find success even?  By kind, I’m really calling out that inner voice, the critic inside that silently berates us for our inadequacies, failings, our ongoing disappointment in ourselves.  This voice is more powerful than almost any other voice and using my voice represents my greatest personal growth achievement.  Remember... 

"It's not about finding your voice, it's about giving yourself permission to use your voice."  

- Kris Carr

 In all honesty, I failed miserably in the early stages. Well, “miserably” might be an overstatement.  I’d have this post realization of failing to speak my truth. I would either express my erred decision in the case of a trusted friend or replay the situation out loud to myself, practicing how I would respond given the opportunity to hit the rewind button.The lesson on self kindness did not appear as a sudden vision or understanding.  Instead, as in so many other lessons, it slammed straight on and knocked me to my knees.  I remember very clearly the perplexed expression of my therapist asking “What would you say to a dear friend in this situation?”  …. and then the now somewhat obvious “So why would you not do the same for yourself?”The hard truth is, I still struggle to speak my truth, to FIND MY VOICE.  The promising news is that it gets infinitesimally easier. I can feel the shift as I experience less guilt, less remorse, less anxiety and so much more pleasure, contentment and JOY!  Joy in the freedom of showing up as the best version of myself. Joy in the immeasurable influence over my relationships, knowing and trusting that those closest to me are cheering me on.

Change is hard and changing our behaviours, our habits, our unconscious actions...  THAT’S REALLY HARD!  

Where do you want to speak your truth, find your voice?  Tell me how you’re doing so I can cheer you on... Share here if you like

Main photo credit to the wonderful, lovely and very talented Pala