Look into my eyes, and you will see my soul… a place I once thought never to reveal, a place even I dared not go.
What does it mean to fully connect – to be so entwined with another you not only see and feel all of them but they of you?
I begin to wonder, to desire more… not in a material sense, intrinsically… more connection, realness, rawness, sadness, happiness. To be a conduit for myself and others to feel deeply, to express truthfully, to enable vulnerability… to expand exponentially.
In Atlas of the Heart, Brene Brown explores the human emotion(s) – a myriad of research, observation and personal adaptation. With a premise of not only defining but understanding our emotions, I draw deeper into my desire – to cultivate intentional, meaningful connection.
“If we want to find the way back to ourselves and one another, we need language and the grounded confidence to both tell our stories and be stewards of the stories that we hear. This is the framework for meaningful connection.”
Connecting with intimacy?
Do you kiss … eyes wide open, eyes a flutter, eyes firmly closed, or somewhere in between?
My first encounters with intimacy – what I believed to be intimacy – were less than I desired, dreamed of, believed possible. Silently brick by brick, the impenetrable illusion that I was in some way unworthy, broken, unfit to experience.
And so I firmly closed my eyes… the first time I kissed, ‘made love’, each time I said “I love you too”. My heart unwittingly followed in my unconscious ‘disconnect’ from self.
And then…
Whispering, “open your eyes, look into my eyes”. A new first kiss, one that allowed for possibility with a healthy dose of curiosity. The first time I dared show a truer sense of me – my fear, my courage, my perfect imperfection.
In opening my eyes, I found what had been eluding me… deeper connection to self. In allowing him to see, I began to accept all that was within me.
To experience and embody true intimacy begins within. When we accept and love ‘all of ourselves’, we are more likely to allow another to ‘experience’ who we are. My definition of intimacy is no longer equated solely to sex. It expands beyond my love relationship, deepening the relationships I feel most called to ‘share all of me’.
Having hard conversations
“When we have hard conversations, it’s like foreplay for me”… words of my partner at first I would reject, how could it be? And then I realize, we hadn’t been fighting – it wasn’t about ‘make up sex’.
A buried belief… and I had to sit with it a while. We can have hard conversations because they come from a place of love, trust, safety. A new experience for us both, one that we honour and vow to protect.
When we have ‘hard’ conversations, it’s not about who’s right or wrong (well, sometimes it is). Mostly, we encourage and respect each other’s perspective, accepting of the other’s opinion especially when it differs from our own. We learn, grow with and through each other.
While we each have our own struggles at times, we are able to share our deepest fears, our worst moments – all in the absence of judgement, ridicule, blame, shame… In this, we have created a foundation of trust and safety – the basis for any form of intimacy.
Intellect matters
Many years ago, I found myself deeply intrigued by my relationship with a coworker. He was not unattractive, but not ‘my type’… if I even understood what that meant back then.
We spent a lot of time together, commuting most days to and from work, with the odd longer distance travel. Now, before you gasp in disbelief – I did not sleep with that man (please tell me you had a little LOL). We did not have an affair of any sort – fantasy aside.
Our conversations were stimulating, exciting, at times challenging – never uncomfortable. They had a flow and an ease as if we were old friends. We held an intellectual intimacy…
In contrast, when the physical attraction stops being enough in a romantic relationship. You know the ones… there’s the hot and heavy, can’t keep your hands off each other and then…
Desire wanes over time… While a variety of factors played in, I became painfully aware of the lack of intellectual stimulation such partners provided. The absence of deep, meaningful conversation sent any sense of intimacy scurrying. Without the much-needed roots of trust and safety, recovery is unlikely.
SEX is not all it’s cracked up to be
True, it’s pretty great when all is new, when all it takes is a look, a thought and BAM!
Some of my loneliest moments coincided with a sexual encounter – and I’m not talking one night stands – men I shared a life with, committed to in love or marriage.
Only when I ‘opened my eyes’, dug deep into what lay hidden inside was I able to connect in a way I had once deemed illusive.
“If you want to feel intimate, the first thing you and your partner need to do is stop all the other things you are doing and give each other your undivided, undistracted attention.”
~ Helene Brenner – I Know I’m In There Somewhere ~
When your mind is full of self doubt, worry, insecurity, it belays great distractions… even in moments of passion. Now my greatest intimacies occur ‘eyes wide open’. The distractions fade away… as we hold each other in our gaze, in our arms or simply in our thoughts.
In those moments, when only you and I exist, when all that surrounds us quiets and stills, we find our deepest connection.
Soul mates and spiritual encounters
Standing in her kitchen with a childhood friend, her two early teen girls, husband smiling nearby… I am transported back in time, to our own teenage years of inseparable joy, laughter, shenanigans. No awkward moment, no indication of the ten years having passed since we last saw each other.
We laugh, we chat, we reminisce as the best of friends, transcending time, life events, victories and misfortunes. I am impassioned by the strength with which such friendship endures.
Knowing without telling, feeling without seeing, being without… you finish each other’s sentences, look up at just the right time, feel the urge to reach out, or to sit quietly. One need not believe in such magic to experience its gift of deep connection.
Intimacy is no longer an illusion… its scope beyond my orbit. I formed my predilection and association of sex with intimacy in all the wrong places – from fairy tales, love stories and other societal influences. Now I make it my own.
It is my hope to inspire you to define and create the intimacies you most desire… and if you so choose, share them with me here.
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Hi, I’m Donna. I’m deeply passionate about helping you achieve more than you think possible; creating habits and practices aligned with who you are so you may live an extraordinary life. If you’re ready to explore and discover how extraordinary life can be, I invite you to book a 45-minute no-obligation ‘Discovery Call‘.
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